


Bankrupt and buried by war

by FiKate



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Backstory, Canon Compliant, Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Missing Scene, Pre-Canon, Rebellion, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 04:32:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11305746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiKate/pseuds/FiKate
Summary: Since he began working as an operative for Draven, Cassian has been trying to find an emotional balance in how much to care for people and the horrible toll that his work and the deaths of the Rebellion bring in his life. Scenes of friends lost and found throughout his life.Title comes fromConstellation Bluesby Jakob Dylan.





	Bankrupt and buried by war

Cassian was sixteen the first time he realized that being a spy meant some parts of life weren’t for him. Draven was muttering about starfighter pilots, “They care too much and when they die as they always die, what do they do? They drink and fall in love, none of that helps. The best agents know when to stop, Andor, remember that.” 

When to stop, he hadn’t known what stopping and caring had to do with each other. He understood not using anger in a fight, not getting too caught up in a lie but they had to be there for each other, didn’t they? They all brought their skills and he was good at disappearing in a crowd, aiming a gun and lying. He was even a pilot too, he wasn’t quick enough in the air to be in a starfighter but he could stay alive and he knew that Draven liked not having to worry about him getting places. Maybe Draven had seen how he looked at the starfighter pilots whenever they appeared, they always seemed to be laughing or joking, he didn’t know how they did it when death was so close. 

It was his turn to cook and Lilah found him, chopping up some peppers they’d been given from a generous shop keeper. “What did he say this time?” 

“Who?” He knew she meant Draven but he wasn’t going to get into anything with her.

“Who do you think? You have that look where you’re thinking too much about something sad,” She came and rested her head on his shoulder, her hair tickling his ear.

“He trusts me and says I’m one of the best he’s ever seen,” And he would be, he would finish what his father started and bring justice and hope to the galaxy.

“But?” He hated how she did that, no one else could hear his moods like her.

“Lilah, it doesn’t matter,” It didn’t, he would learn to care less and be a better operative.

“You know it doesn’t matter if we survive this and you’ve forgotten how to smile,” Her sigh went through him and he looped an arm around her for a quick hug.

“You’re being overdramatic,” He wouldn’t forget how to smile, that wasn’t something that happened.

“You say as you brood into peppers,” She had a smile in her voice and he felt able to get back to chopping.

“I don’t brood,” Which he didn’t, he was being serious, they were members of the Rebellion, that meant something.

“Cassian, the only way you’d be a better brooder was if you had longer hair to hide behind and one of those droopy faces like Gangans have,” She had a laugh in her voice and he smiled for a moment.

“Lilah! I don’t look like a Gangan,” He couldn’t even think how she thought that and tossed a pepper stem at her.

She smirked at him before leaving the mess with a twirl, “No, the mustache might even come in someday.”

Cassian watched her go with a laugh, he wouldn’t forget how to smile, not with her around. She was one of those people who would rebuild the Republic with her healing and sunniness.

******

He was doing a run to get supplies and practicing flying the U-Wing when a message came through, “Package delivered, no returns.”

His hands trembled on the throttle, that was the bombing that Lilah had been on, “Message received, continuing with pick-up.” 

That was how he was meant to act, professional, but he could feel tears threatening. He hadn’t cried since his father died, death was part of rebelling, the odds were never with them, but it was Lilah. She’d convinced him to make out with Pel even though Pel was now with Ian, it had been fun. When they were younger, they’d even kissed but it didn’t matter. The only times they ever argued was about Draven, but she was a medic, her job was to care about everyone. He took a deep breath and hiccuped to keep the tears down, he couldn’t let anyone get that close again. Be a friend but don’t become a friend, that was what Draven said, he could do that.

******

The first time he realized that he knew he’d let Kay in was when he actually slept on him. They’d been doing lots of little jumps and spent the night on a roof, “It would be advisable to pause our journey, you are not properly rested and are not able to pay attention to your flying.”

“No, I’m fine, Kay. We’re not that far away,” As long as he kept his voice even then Kay wouldn’t hear how tired he was.

“The probability of an accident is greater without more sleep. At the next station, we can pause for the four hours needed to return you to proper functioning and there will not be a delay,” Kay kept talking like he hadn’t been saying anything.

Cassian rubbed his eyes, he knew Kay kept an eye on safety but he went without sleep before. It oddly reminded him of Lilah who used to take his datapad away when he was spending too long looking over flight manuals or mission briefs, “We’ll stop since there won’t be a delay.” 

The landing was easy and he went to one of the longer seats, it wasn’t a bed but it would do and tried to get comfortable. He was worn out enough that he closed his eyes and didn’t fully fall asleep but it was something. At some point, he felt warmer and actually fell deep enough asleep that he dreamed of his father cooking and singing and woke to a clank. He opened his eyes to black and realized the noise had been Kay who he was sleeping on, “That was not an optimal rest for you, but it will do. I appear to conducive to your rest.” 

Cassian laughed, he couldn’t think what else to do and he did feel kind of rested, “Yes, we should go.”

******

Jyn didn’t care about him, it was refreshing to see her asking for enough trust to keep safe but no more. She understood about walls and how they kept you safe from a galaxy that didn’t care. Then she called out to Saw to leave her friends alone and he didn’t know what to do with that. Fighting with her had come easily but Saw had trained her and he’d been trained by the Rebellion, it would make sense they would fight well.

The shuttle was too small and didn’t feel right, there was nowhere to hide. Kay and Bodhi kept looking his way, Kay, he knew wanted to know if he needed to do something to protect him but he didn’t deserve that and there was nothing to do. Bodhi was being careful and disappointed in him, which hurt too. He thought he’d trained himself better, anger didn’t help and real anger only came from caring. How could she compare him to a stormtrooper when she had chosen not to fight? In the back, he knew Baze and Chirrut were probably comforting Jyn, after all, he was the one who’d failed to bring back her father and not assassinated him. 

There was a report to give and he’d have to convince Draven and the Council that they needed to act. They wouldn’t want to, not after Lothal, but this was a rare chance and he would add his voice. He knew the Council, this was too slim a hope for them to risk anything on. Jyn with her passion could sway them, but she was already suspect to many of them and she didn’t believe that they could do what was needed. 

If the Council didn’t agree, it could be possible to find a team, not a large one but enough for a strike mission to get the plans.That was a last resort, they’d have to see that this was a rare moment. He sat down and held his head in his hands, it was a way to hide and soon they’d be back to Yavin 4, from there he could work, more work, the better work. No one in this shuttle cared if he was weak, they already thought the worst of him.

******

“Andor, this would be disobeying orders, you never disobey,” Tonc’s voice was disbelieving and that was painful. Was he so clearly seen as the one who did what he was told?

“I believe her and we’ll never get another opportunity like this. We have the shuttle which can get us in and with the right tactics, we can even get out again,” He’d been planning missions since he was a boy, this was complicated but not impossible. The odds changed depending on the outcome, they were slim for success and survival but that was enough. It was the greater odds, the odds of these plans changing what they could do that mattered, “This is the sort of job we’ve hoped for. Stealing something that will allow us to hurt them. We need to do this and I trust Jyn.” 

Every eye was on him and Tonc nodded and then it went around all the different faces, he could see their trust in him, he didn’t know what he’d done to earn it, “We’ll do it.”

She didn’t like him or trust him but he believed in her and he had been able to do this if she’d let him. By the time the Council had chosen not to act, he had enough fighters to offer Jyn a way, all of them a way to keep hope alive. When she looked at him, he felt human again, he felt like Cassian not the spy he’d made himself into.

******

“Goodbye,” Kay’s voice had never seemed so far away and Cassian cried out, “Kay! Kay!”

He slammed his hands on the vault door but it didn’t matter, Kay was gone. Jyn was silent and watching, they had to get the plans. 

Slowly he turned and took a deep breath, time to mourn later, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been able to mourn, but that didn’t matter. Jyn was still here and they had to keep taking the chances they could.


End file.
